Step-mother gets an answer she wasn't prepared for when she asks 17-year-old if she's a suitable replacement for step-child's mother: 'She was never second best [...] because she was never in the running'

Author image for Brad Dickson
Brad Dickson • Managing Editor
May 28, 2024 6:00 PM EDT

It's often said that you should never ask questions that you don't know the answer to. It should also probably be said that you should never insist on an answer to that question once the chance to give one has been politely declined. Doing so is just setting yourself up for a bad time when the person you're demanding an answer from gives you one that you really don't want to hear… and when things get sensitive, a confrontation is sure to follow. 

This step-mom insisted on placing herself on the same level as her 17-year-old stepchild's late mother, together with the teen's father organizing a therapy session to discuss her place as "second best" or a "consolation prize" to the mom. They pushed the teen to answer why, and after several sessions, the teen answered the question, but the answer was one that neither of them actually wanted to hear.

Add as a preferred
source on Google
Advertisement
  • 01
    "I said she was never second best or a consolation prize because she was never in the running."
    via Joshua Rawson-Harris
  • 02
    AITA for telling my stepmother she's not second best/a consolation prize because she's not in the running? My dad and my stepmother got married when I was 9 and I'm 17 now. They have 3 kids together. My mom died when I was 8 but my parents were already divorced and I think my dad was already dating my stepmother at that point.
    via u/CautiousEnergy9907
  • 03
    Either that or he/they rushed the relationship because they assumed I would need a new mom because mine died. It was a crazy af time. My dad and stepmother decided we needed therapy together because she was struggling and wanted to communicate some stuff to the two of us that she had not before. In therapy she started off talking about how she feels like she's second best or a consolation
    via u/CautiousEnergy9907
  • 04
    prize with me. She feels like I see her as less than a parent, less than a mother, and it hurts. She talked about marrying my dad expecting we would be so close and how she believed a newly motherless child would need someone else to fill in. But that the whole time we've known each other she feels like I do nothing but compare her to mom or dismiss her in favor of mom and leave her in second
    via u/CautiousEnergy9907
  • 05
    place a lot. She said she wanted to be more important to me than that. She wanted to mom in my eyes. She didn't want to feel like I would gladly toss her aside if my mom came back. I'll say now, in therapy she was called out for that. She was told it was cruel to toss that in my face when I'm old enough to be aware my mom is never coming back.
    via u/CautiousEnergy9907
  • 06
    She spoke for several sessions about feeling second best/like the consolation prize and like I don't care for her at all. She brought up how I never hug her or how I correct anyone who mistakes her for my mom. Another thing was the fact I have never said I love you to her, she noticed that and she said many times she waited and waited for me to say it but it
    via u/CautiousEnergy9907
  • 07
    never came. She talked about how every mention of my mom hurts her down to her core because she can hear how much I love my mom. She admitted to hating my mom, to wanting to wave a magic wand and have me forget her so she's not coming in second to her always. There were lots more things said too.
    via u/CautiousEnergy9907
  • 08
    I was asked to address what she said for several sessions. But I knew it might come across as cruel if I did. So I refused to engage. But my dad kept pressing me on the issue and the counselor was trying to reassure me that I would not be penalized for speaking up. After a lot of pressing and then my stepmother got involved and told me to speak because we needed
    via u/CautiousEnergy9907
  • 09
    to work through this and she needed me to acknowledge her feelings and work on us coming together, I was honest. I said she was never second best or a consolation prize because she was never in the running. I never saw her as mom, I never considered her to be a possible new or second mom. I never ever looked at her in that way or wanted her to be that for me. And that she was always competing against my dead mom for nothing.
    via u/CautiousEnergy9907
  • 10
    My dad and stepmother were so angry after I said all this. Two weeks later and it was mentioned in therapy but they're still furious with me. AITA?
    via u/CautiousEnergy9907
  • 11
    OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the a ☐ple: I told my stepmother she was never second best/a consolation prize because she was never in the running. I spoke bluntly and did nothing to try and make her feel like I loved her or cared. I already knew she'd be upset and so would my dad if I was too honest. But I went ahead and went with that anyway. She poured her heart out for weeks and she got something very firm back and that might make me TA.
    via u/CautiousEnergy9907
  • 12
    • extinct_diplodocus · 2 hr. ago when I was 9 and I'm 1 now I find that a bit hard to believe. NTA for telling the therapist what you feel. Dad and stepmom seem to have expected you to instantly forget your mom and replace her with stepmom. That's not how things work, and forcing it the way they are just makes things worse. The therapist should be working with them and telling them how unrealistic they're being.
    via u/CautiousEnergy9907
  • 13
    Apart-Ad-6518 · 2 hr. ago NTA You were just being honest & that's totally okay. Your Dad needs to accept that & stop pushing. Also him marrying stepmother a year after your mom passed must've been really difficult. I'm not sure how old you are now as the second digit is missing so not sure how long it's been since the loss re being in therapy etc. Tough break though & I'm really sorry. All the best to you.
    via u/CautiousEnergy9907
  • 14
    CapoExplains 5 hr. ago · edited 5 hr. ago NTA. Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to. I see this from time to time, step-parents come in and just expect a child to see them as mom or dad and feel like they're being wronged if the child doesn't see them that way. Like they're somehow entitled to it, like the child doesn't get a say. It sounds like she was long overdue for a wakeup
    via u/CautiousEnergy9907
  • 15
    call that the expectation she has of what your relationship with her is going to be is not realistic. She doesn't get to decide for you that you will love her and see her as a mother. She can either work with you to form a relationship you are both comfortable with or she can keep doing whatever the this is and prevent even an amicable step-parent relationship from forming.
    via u/CautiousEnergy9907
  • 16
    The icing on the cake is she's concerned you aren't taking her feelings into consideration. When it never once even crossed her mind that maybe how you feel about your own mother and about having a new mother might be something she should take into consideration.
    via u/CautiousEnergy9907
  • 17
    Just for the sake of reassurance of what you already know, OP, who you love and how much you love them and in what way, whether it be a friend or a parent (step- or biological) or a romantic partner is entirely and only for you to decide. No one else gets a say.
    via u/CautiousEnergy9907
  • 18
    Unique-Assumption619. 5 hr. ago NTA, at all. It's great when a step-parent can bond with their step-kid and form a healthy, agreed upon relationship. That is not what she has done.
    via u/CautiousEnergy9907
  • 19
    Your dad's wife is completely delusional and what she said about your mom, wishing she could make you forget, is absolutely crossing a line. You have a mother, you have a mother you love. Just because she can't physically be here, doesn't take anything from the love you have for her or the fact that SHE is your mom, not dad's wife.
    via u/CautiousEnergy9907
  • 20
    I'm so sorry your dad is taking her side when he should be on your side. You have done nothing wrong, at all. She needs to understand your feelings so she can approach you differently.
    via u/CautiousEnergy9907
  • 21
    Everything you said in therapy is completely fair and valid. Don't let them make you think or feel otherwise, she may want to hear you say "I love you" but unless you mean it, the words mean nothing. And saying it just to appease her, would be dishonest. I'm sorry for your loss though and I hope your dad's wife is able to learn and understand boundaries with you better.
    via u/CautiousEnergy9907
  • 22
    unlimited_insanity .5 hr. ago NTA - no one is owed a relationship. When an adult isn't interested in a would-be romantic partner, most people would tell that would- be partner to back off. That s/he might be the greatest person in the world, but if someone isn't interested, you can't force it.
    via u/CautiousEnergy9907
  • 23
    Why does anyone think it should be different with kids? A parent decides to marry another adult, and now the kid is obliged to love this new person and replace an absent parent? That's not how love works. Children are actual people with their own thoughts and feelings. If they're not looking for a "new parent," then it doesn't matter how great the new person is.
    via u/CautiousEnergy9907
  • 24
    When you marry someone with kids, you take the risk that you might not have the relationship that's in your head. That going from stepparent to new parent is something that only happens if the kid wants that. And sometimes the kid never wants it. No matter what you do. It's not something you earn through a certain number of laundry loads or packed lunches. It's
    via u/CautiousEnergy9907
  • 25
    not something you can count on if you're just patient enough and stay on good behavior. Sometimes it's not about you at all. It's about the kid who HAS parents, even if one isn't physically present.
    via u/CautiousEnergy9907
  • 26
    C_Majuscula 2 hr. ago NTA. It's unrealistic for her to expect all of the things she mentioned especially given your age when your mother died. Good for you for trying to put off mentioning your opinion and I believe this is a case of "play stupid games, win stupid prizes" on your father and stepmother's part.
    via u/CautiousEnergy9907
  • 27
    Your counselor also isn't great because they can't guarantee that you won't be penalized. I've never been to therapy, but that doesn't sound like something they should be saying, even if they would like it to be true.
    via u/CautiousEnergy9907

Want More? Follow Us and Add Us as a Preferred Source on Google.

Tags

teens family drama amitheahole aita teenager step mother reddit story family feud parenting etiquette reddit thread parents
Scroll Down For The Next Article